04/08/08
Professional sports are so boring and slow that copious amounts of beer are REQUIRED to get through an entire game without killing yourself. For some reason the sports officials feel the need to require that athletes must pass drug tests. For crying out loud, the more dope the better. I don't care if it's Crack or Steroids, ANYTHING would help sports be more entertaining.
Pre-Game and Post-Game shows just allow for more liqueur to hit our guts so we can better pretend any of it matters. Why are there Sports Bars, Half-Time Shows, and Tailgate Parties?
BECAUSE SPORTS ARE TOO BORING AND STUPID TO WATCH WITHOUT THE ENTERTAINMENT, FOOD AND ALCOHOL!
I won't get into how stupid fans are. I'll just stick to the basics. Here's how I'd fix sports to be watchable:
Baseball
-Each team gets one batter and one pitcher for the whole game.
-Five players run the bases and play the infield. One bench warmer allowed. No team could have over 7 players. If more than one is injured or ill, play short.
-No more outfield. I'd construct a high wall behind the in-field so no balls can escape.
-No foul balls. If the bat touches the ball it's playable.
-Catching a fly ball is an out.
-Any strike is an out.
-Five outs for each team per inning.
-To stop a player from running to the next base a player must hit him with the ball...as long as it touches him, he must stop & return to the previous base (if that's home plate, he's out). To tag a runner "out" the fielder must be touching the base and must not loose control of the ball following the tag. The runner may hit or tackle the fielder as hard as he wants but he cannot stop running (flying kicks are ok).
-No time-outs allowed. If a team takes more than 2 minutes to switch to offense or defense one point will be subtracted for each additional 5 seconds.
-Ten Innings per game. Period.
-Tiebreakers: The hitters for each team take turns running the bases. The other hitter plays the catcher and must defend Home Plate. Normal tagging rules apply. This continues until one team hitter takes a 2 run lead and is immediately declared the winner.
-Umpire disputes: If the accuser is found to be incorrect he will be fined $10,000 and his team will lose 2 points for the delay of game. There will be one Umpire per game.
Umpires will be elected by middle school students each year and will be paid 10% more than the highest paid player for that season.
04/12/08
FOOTBALL
-Each team gets 8 players to fill out whatever possitions the team desires for Offense.
-Each team gets 10 players for whatever possitions the team desires for Defense.
-No Special Teams.
-2 Bench-warmers per team. Period.
-No time outs.
-Substitutions must take place between plays.
-3 Play periods of 30 minutes each with 10 minute between.
-All scoring will be traditional except for penalties.
-Allowed penalties will be
Delay of game: If it takes more than 60 seconds to snap the ball from the end of the previous play (-2pts). For every 10 seconds beyond (-1pt). If the defense isn't ready, tough luck for them.
For every 10 seconds of delay following Period breaks (-1pt). 30 extra seconds will be allowed to change from offense to defense for a total of 90 seconds. No extra time is allowed following touchdowns or other events.
Late Hits: Hitting after a play is declared dead (-1pt)
-Referees are always right. If a player challenges a call and is found to be incorrect he will receive a $10,000 fine and a 2 point penalty. If a coach challenges a call and is wrong there will be a 10 point penalty. If a call is overturned there will be a 5 point bonus regardless of who challenged the call.
-Umpires will be elected by middle school students each year and will be paid 10% more than the highest paid player for that season.
-Each fine collected will be split up amongst 5 randomly choses ticket holders in attendance.
-Tie Breakers: The Quarterback and one "Center" from each team will play "2 on 2" (offense AND defense). Offense will get 3 downs. The first team to score twice in any fasion will be declared the winner.